The Pyramid and Education: A List of Lessons to "Teach"

An infant's brain contains more neurons than an adult's brain. It is prepared to be wired in countless directions...and to efficiently dispose of extra neurons it doesn't use. (I'm pretty sure I have very few German language or back hand-spring neurons left...oh well.) But this "wiring" doesn't happen overnight or even in a year or two. The brain naturally takes over 20 years to fully develop. Then it can begin to be "completely" useful.

So that means my kids are walking around with lots of potential, but only a portion of the rosy brain connections they'll hopefully end up with as adults. That explains any of their volatile, wild, obnoxious, and immature behavior...they've progressed past the blank-slate-stare-at-the-ceiling-adorable newborn stage, but still have a loooonnnngg way to go...and that's okay. (This also explains some of my crazy imbalanced reactions to their immature behavior. I'm only kind of mature. Luckily 'complete' adult brains are still changeable as well...improvement just feels like a more painful process for older brains...but I'm working on it.)

As I've researched brain development and observed my own children, I believe there are definitive phases of development controlled largely by chemical reactions in the body that are set to take place at roughly the same physical time frame across human culture...the most obvious example is puberty. The brain/body acts very different before and after the chemical processes of puberty take place. (feeling anxious/excited about observing that process a bunch of times around here in the next few years) Different personalities (coupled with different genetic make-ups) respond in a variety of ways to these chemical changes, but all people seem to transcend from one phase to the next throughout life.

Therefore, certain educational and disciplinary goals are unrealistic (or emotionally damaging) before corresponding developmental milestones have been met. A baby can't learn to walk before leg muscles and brain balance are developed enough to accommodate such a task. And once a first step is taken, many more months and years of motor learning still wait patiently on the horizon. Expecting a 3-month to walk sounds pretty ridiculous. Expecting a walking toddler to jump rope or do cart wheels is also on the unruly side. Learning to read/write/multiply/etc requires certain neurological connections as well. Same with learning to independently manage conflicts or personal time and resources. Too early or too late feels unnatural. Teachers must be in tune.

Thus, Brent and I developed The Present Parenting Pyramid to use in our family as a guide on how to educate and discipline our children according to the natural stages their bodies take them through. If you are a fan of TJEd (see Phases of Leadership Education) or Erik Erikson (a diagram of his theory is here), The Pyramid will feel very familiar to you.

To accommodate a child's developing brain, educational techniques and disciplinary styles should technically change as well according to the child/adolescent's developmental phase. Each phase "looks different" from one another. For our family, the academic learning that is often associated with the word 'education' is secondary and centered around higher level goals that support the natural stages of our child's growth. When we prioritize our highest hopes and efforts on a traditional academic goal (like learning to read or memorizing math facts), we might accomplish that goal, but our children tend to slide backwards emotionally.

By focusing our teaching attention on the primary "lessons" listed below (I like to think of them more as 'celebrations'), learning in all other areas of life, including the academic learning that most people think of as education, comes very naturally.

Here is our list of primary lessons that set the stage for all other areas of learning throughout our child's life:

Attachment Stage (ages 0-3)
1. You have a body.
2. You belong to a family.
3. When your body gets out of balance, you are not alone.

Following Stage (ages 1-8)
1. Your unique body naturally absorbs and processes energy, both physical and spiritual.
2. The world is full of inspiring people and things to explore.
3. To find peace and happiness, follow positive leaders.

Accountability Stage (ages 7-12)
1. You are responsible for how your body acts. You can control your body.
2. Natural consequences accompany your choices.
3. You can recognize and accept your strengths and weaknesses.
4. Repairing wrongs promotes progress.
5. Choosing to set and accomplish goals brings joy (and because kids are pretty logical at this age, they notice, of course, that the opposite is also true).

Self-Discipline Stage (ages 11-18)
1. You can plan for the future and choose your destiny.
2. Focused attention improves talents and skills.
3. Self-reliance, coupled with humility and grace, feels fulfilling.
4. Living personal values increases integrity and self-worth.
5. Seeking for and following Eternal Truth provides a life-long compass.

Independence Stage (ages 16-20+)
1. You are capable of obtaining new skills and providing for yourself.
2. You can find emotional, physical, and spiritual balance.
3. Being true to yourself and your God gives you strength and Light.

Leading Stage (20+)
1. You can see the people around you as they truly are and as they can become.
2. You have Light that can benefit others.
3. True charity adds to world peace.

In general, if stages are taught out of order (like if we focus primarily on accountability with our 4-year-old or independence with our 2-year-old or 9-year-old), when chaos comes along, it doesn't get resolved and coping patterns increase (see Natural Defense Immaturity). Therefore, we don't move on to another stage until we feel a strong sense that our child has naturally internalized all the lessons in a particular stage, which doesn't typically happen until he/she chemically and neurologically transitions to a new stage (like in puberty).  As they get older, we talk openly about this progression with them (see the Green Side of the Pyramid). They like it.

And of course we have a host of 'secondary lessons' as well (I've pasted a handy starter list below). BUT (and that's a really big but)...All secondary lessons must assist us in teaching the primary lessons. If not, these secondary lessons will be postponed until a later stage because a particular child needs more brain balance and development (like motor skills, analytical skills, or prefrontal cortex growth) before learning in a certain area truly progresses. And some secondary lessons can get tossed aside completely depending on the child. Each child is different.

We used to stubbornly prioritize other such secondary lessons in a way that actually jeopardized our relationships with our children (like when we "trained" our highly sensitive 9-month-old to sleep independently or when we isolated our 18-month-old in time-out until she stopped fussing or when we required x-number of completed workbook pages from our 8-year-old before playing outside). Back then my happiness as a parent depended on how well my "teaching" was received. We were a relatively pleasant young family, but misery built up over time until dramatic changes became necessary.

When we discovered the beauty of putting a secure attachment at the top of the list of lessons to teach, happiness returned. We had some "undoing" to accomplish with the older ones (their bodies had grown, but their emotional state was stuck, confused, and in disarray...at no fault of their own...they had just been defending themselves). When we started our older children on this new system a few years ago, we started at the bottom of the pyramid with them as well. It was challenging for me to learn new attachment patterns with them and challenging for them to truly trust that I was willing to form a stronger, more secure attachment. But we persevered at the bottom of the pyramid for a few months and then started to ascend upward. After several years, the undoing is mostly complete.

With the youngest few, we've started working on secure attachment education from the very beginning. After attachment lessons are well-learned, moving upward on The Pyramid (and adding in various "real" academic lessons) is a much smoother process...and very fulfilling.

I'm feeling the itch to write a separate essay about every single one of those primary lessons listed above because my bosom burns just thinking about how much joy my children and I have experienced as Brent and I have prioritized our "teaching" around these main ideas. But for now, my computer time is through. (I have an amazing, supportive, capable husband who makes an awesome 'mother' as he generously takes over feeding, bathing, diapering, taxiing, and piggy-back riding our brood for a few hours here and there. He's very conscientious and nurturing...but I must be careful not to let my passion for brains, research, and writing bury me...I don't want to miss out on all the life-moments that are pitter-pattering around me. That would be sad.)

Sample List of Secondary Lessons 
(bits and pieces of how we teach these lessons will emerge as I continue to post about the more important primary lessons. For more ideas on specific secondary lessons, check your local library...it has shelves full of a million parenting/education books that give loads of different opinions on how to teach these various classes) 

How to sleep
How to eat
How to walk
How to say 'please'
How to clean up
How to share
How to take turns
How to count
How to read
How to write
How to add, subtract, multiply, and divide
How to sing
How to dance
How to dribble
How to play the piano
How to use the toilet
How to clean the toilet
How to get dressed
How to say sorry
How to budget
How to organize a closet
How to manage time
How to study
How to cook
How to pass chemistry
How to take the ACT
How to fill out college applications

How to whatever...

School's Out

Wednesday was Kenny's last day of elementary school...and the last day my three oldest will attend the same school...until all three are in high school together (Kenny a senior, Diggy a junior, and Kirsti a freshman).

This has caused me to reflect on the best kept secret in America: Our incredible mix between Home School and Public School.

Usually these two educational methods alongside positive words do not co-exist in the same sentence. Many of our homeschooling friends cringe when thinking of mixing their kids up in their local public school. Many public school friends stare with confusion when I talk about how much we LOVE home school.

We love home school because it gives us the freedom of time, structure, and content to best fit individual and family needs. My kids can progress at their own rate in many subjects like math, grammar, reading, writing, spelling, typing, etc. (usually faster than long-school-day peers, but in some subjects, slower...each child is different). We find these core subjects take less time to learn when they are tackled on a one-on-one basis, which allows my kids LOTS more discretionary time than the ordinary student. It's fascinating to see what they choose to create, play, and do to develop other talents when they have time, space, and resources (ie. freedom of thought) at their fingertips. Observing the passion and outcome of this "dream time" is my favorite part of home schooling.

The living room often gets transformed into a zoo or another planet.

The girls are in the back yard pretending to be homeless...because "in real life we're really not" (see how great of a teacher I am?). Feeding themselves lunch that day was part of the game. I think it was inspired by The Boxcar Children...or maybe the library book we read about a group of Dutch children who survived the Holocaust.

We love to explore science and history together. I'll have to share more details sometime...But it's very common for Diggy (my hands-on learner) to walk away from the history table and immediately act out the latest topic...Above, he's reenacting D-Day at the park where Kenny had soccer practice. 

He said the Allied Forces won...phew.  

It takes a lot of brain power (mostly prefrontal cortex brain power--yeah!) to keep a "game" going as long as they do sometimes (hours or days)...that'll come in handy in the future.


My school-age children largely manage their own schedule, which keeps them motivated and self-disciplined. And I love that their "homework" is accomplished during the day leaving evenings to family time, dinner, and the enormous number of activities they'd all like to be involved in.

But what about catching the vision of being part of a larger community and experiencing life beyond our living room? Most home school families tap into co-op groups, extracurricular activities, etc. These options work well.

However, because we have an awesome public school within walking distance, we decided to try something taboo and risk developing a relationship with them...and for the last 4 years, it's been a HUGE success!!

I will forever credit and be grateful for their warm, visionary leader, Ms. Csensich, who was willing to navigate uncharted territory with us. (Speaking of stepping into the unknown...she's taking a principal      position in Peru next year...to spread her influence to another part of the world. We will miss her TONS!! We need to get a picture before she leaves our hemisphere.)

It has also worked because of some of the best teachers in the country.

This is the music teacher who will go down in my children's personal history books as one of the most inspiring people from their childhoods. We can't imagine life without Mrs. Opitz.

And too bad I accidentally erased the Mr. Hengels pic. Do we not all remember our elementary school PE teachers? Mr. Hengels' legacy will be no exception. He's athletic (obviously), cool, and very admired.

The public school in our community embraces diversity...including diverse ways of educating children.

Instead of feeling defensive regarding our educational style, the entire leadership community at our public school shows open-minded support in our direction. They are willing to customize education for all children, which allows the innocent, young, developing minds in our home (and in all the other homes in the district) to feel like they truly belong to something worth belonging to.

My kids love participating in band and orchestra and a variety of clubs. But our public school doesn't stop there. Each year, our kids are assigned to a class, and when that class attends music, PE, and Chinese or has a party or field trip, etc., my kids walk, run, or ride over to the school to join them. We attend many of the awesome PTA events, too.

And the best part...The front office assistant greets them warmly and asks them about their day. The principal knows them by name (like she does all the the other 450+ kids). Their homeroom teachers smile and welcome them whenever they are there and invite them to all sorts of random class events. And naturally...the students (their peers) follow this excellent example and give a cheer or a high-five when our kids join the line-up.

As a result, my kids feel included. They feel welcome. They belong. That's a good feeling that lasts a lifetime. And they walk away with all kinds of memories at the end of the year:

 Halloween Parades around the neighborhood (Kenny is Luke Skywalker)

A musical production with their classmates every year 

Plus: roller skating parties, Fun Fairs, Book Fairs, Open Houses, Valentine's Day parties, Field Days, field trips, picture days, ice cream socials, fundraisers, service projects, assemblies, yearbooks (and the all-important signing of the yearbooks), and gathering around the flagpole with the whole school on the last day...essentially they walk away with lots of friends and a vision of what it feels like to be part of a  community.

So, because of our mix, I guess Kenny, Diggy, and Kirsti will still get to attend school together next year...and the next...and the next...

They'll continue to build a tremendous sibling bond...because they'll spend so much time learning together here at home. And when one of them returns from dashing over to the school for an hour or two, they'll chatter...together...around the lunch table about the funny things Mr. Hengels said in gym class or about which Birthday Book they picked or about what so-in-so did to get attention.

Yes. Our educational experience is an exciting novelty. I wonder if it will catch on.

Amazing Baby Brains

Babies are Amazing. And so are their brains. ; )

They start like this:

This is MaryAnn (**it’s NOT a new one**) at 20 weeks in utero.

I’ve only been studying brains (for fun) for a few years now, so even though I’ve marveled and oooohed and aaaahed at 5 other 20-week sonogram pics, my heart skipped a beat when I saw MaryAnn’s…because I’d learned that brains basically develop from back to front and from the inside out…and it felt incredible to see a live snapshot of this happening right inside my belly. (See all that black, empty space at the front of her head? Her prefrontal cortex neurons had yet to be developed even while her brain stem cells in the back were already humming along. And understanding that the prefrontal cortex region is the last and takes the longest to develop (well into our 20s/30s) is fundamental to why Brent and I raise our children the way we do (we made BIG changes awhile back and we’re all happier now)…it’s a beautiful phenomenon that I’ll try to explain in more detail as time goes on.)  

When the kids called the day after MaryAnn Emma arrived to see if I was ready to bundle her up and take her home, they said, “How’s MAES?”

“Who?”, I asked…and then they excitedly explained their clever nickname  (“It’s her 4 initials”) for our cute little angel. Now they’re thrilled when she turns her head at their high-pitched sounds of, “Hi MAES!” 

I think MaryAnn is a-MAES-ing.

Right after she was born when she just sat and stared off into space or jerked her little limbs around uncontrollably, the kids kept saying, “When is MAES going to look at us?!?” and “Why does MAES keep hitting herself?”

I grinned…and dug out my brain books. And we discussed MaryAnn’s billions of neurons while hunched over our frosted shredded wheat in the morning and how we’ll see her neurons wiring together a little more each day starting at the back of her brain (vision) moving forward (sides = hearing and language connections; top of head = touch and limb movement, front = personality and intelligence, etc.).
(Click HERE for some brain basics from a neuroscientist I like.)

“It’s a slow process,” I tell them. “We get to learn patience, practice lots-o-personal- sacrifice and experience the magic of human development (including our own) while MaryAnn depends on us to take care of her and help her grow.” 

**Smile and sigh** and on to grammar.

So, now that they know all about neurons and synapses, it’s like a 4th of July party at our house every time someone spots a new neurological connection taking place in our amazing MAES. (especially the time when her eye-hand myelination surprised us and MaryAnn deposited Kenny’s cereal bowl on his lap without her usual slow motion warnings…my baby’s growing up! *tear*)

A few favorite connection-detections:

Toe-sucking

(this takes lots of neurological skill, especially when excitement kicks in and sends all 4 limbs flailing again…so charming)

Consistently grabbing Diggy’s ear when he holds her…she saves this grip just for him

 

Bubbling with delight during piggy-back rides

Paying closer attention to her “violin lessons”

Putting weight on those cute, chubby legs

Enjoying the cool, fresh air and noticing the movement of the park swing

Clapping…right and left brain coordination…BRAVO

Playing Star Wars

and her favorite…playing the piano. This one is for the grandparents (and Mrs. Opitz).

I must say, having a baby is much like having a puppy. MaryAnn gives unconditional love and does not yet know how to add to the congenial teasing and arguing of her older, more advanced siblings. Plus, with her eyes watching, 3-yr olds put away laundry piles, 4-yr-olds eat another bite, 7-yr olds practice violin, and big brothers melt into baby voices and smother her with kisses.

My heart sings as I notice new connections, too: 2 months ago, I heard “ga” for the first time. Before, her brain had only connected a barking seal noise. And today, MaryAnn is 9 months old and her language neurons have her babbling away constantly (and protesting with a really loud scream when she loses her favorites toys, with the loudest screech coming after I reclaim my cell phone from her little hands…hmm).

Her window of opportunity for learning that objects have names is opening wider every day. I’m inspired by her intense focus as I share spoken language with her. She acknowledges her understanding of words like “book” and “drink” and “backpack” (because she sits in it nearly every day while I fix dinner) and her mirror neurons are preparing her to speak the English pronunciations for those objects…so very soon. 

But my favorite connection is that she knows ME now.

After nine months of growing in my womb and nine more cuddled in my arms, if she saw you and I standing next to each other, she would stare nervously at you (no offense) and reach for me. She has enough working memory to know that my face, my embrace, my scent, my whisper, my love is what fills her up with good feelings inside and reassures her as she starts exploring this wide world.

When she’s perched on my hip, her body is free from worry (life with 5 older sibs is a bit unpredictable or maybe predictably chaotic?) and her spirit is free to learn…so she spends LOTS of time there during this pivotal period (my right bicep rocks). When she’s playing on the floor, she loves to study her toys, but then looks for my eyes so we can share a smile together…every few seconds. As soon as my presence is absent, she notices (and screams nice and loud)…music to my ears (except when I’m grumpy).

“Smart Baby,” I say. I return as quickly as I can.

Now, she will forever look to me as her mother.

Knowing how eternally important this mother-child connection is, her longing for me, her squeeze around my neck, and her slobber on my shoulder fill me up, too.

It’s all simply a-MAES-ing.