Lesson #1: You Have a Body

At age 21 months, MaryAnn is my only child that is deeply embedded in the Attachment Stage. My other children, though happy to come and cuddle occasionally or kiss us good night, spend most of their time further along the path, learning and exploring in their individual realms.

So I'm soaking up these attachment lessons like MaryAnn's my last child (because who knows at this point if she will be). It is such a joy to see signs of MaryAnn's progress. Kids grow way too fast.

Before I start tearing up, here are a few recent examples of MaryAnn discovering life lesson #1:
I have a Body. It is mine. It is unique. It is beautiful. It brings me joy.

Before joining our family, MaryAnn's existence didn't include a body. Now it does. She is so pleased with every new connection her body makes and with every new piece of knowledge she gathers along this path called life.

When older sibs are busy with their studies, MaryAnn naturally wants to join them. Right now she's pretty sure that 5 x 2 = scribble scribble. And she's also learning...

I have a right hand...

and a left hand...and I like them both.

Not too many months ago, MaryAnn paid close attention to us when we pinched our noses and said, "pee-yew!" She grabbed her nose, too...and scrunched her face and grunted. We took her cue and pointed out that she has a nose just like us...and eyes...and ears. Since she loves us so much, she's pretty thrilled that we have some similarities.

Over several weeks we remembered to point out body parts whenever MaryAnn seemed in the mood for it.

Now when we play "Can you point to your...", she's feeling pretty smart these days:

ears

eyes

cheeks

teeth

elbow

chin

tongue

hair

and because she has older brothers...nostril (it's her favorite one because she notices the ripple of giggles that circulates the room when she gets it right)

MaryAnn has a body that itches...alot. So many foods and things cause her immune system to over-react and create bumps and sores that drive her (and mom) crazy. When it gets really bad, she scratches so hard, she bleeds (quite regularly this occurs for an hour in the middle of the night). She and Mom (MaryAnn still nurses) have eliminated dairy products, nuts, high-sodium foods, and sometimes eggs from their diets to tame her eczema a bit. It's helping, but sometimes she sees others eating some of her favorite foods: pizza and ice cream and milk chocolate and feels quite envious.

Despite these personal challenges, she's still learning, "I can taste! (even though this body of mine gets itchy easily...my mom is determined to find a few goods things for me to eat...like homemade cookie dough w/o chocolate chips)."

Every body is unique and special.


We'll keep celebrating (and learning) this all important lesson #1 for years to come.

The Pyramid and Education: A List of Lessons to "Teach"

An infant's brain contains more neurons than an adult's brain. It is prepared to be wired in countless directions...and to efficiently dispose of extra neurons it doesn't use. (I'm pretty sure I have very few German language or back hand-spring neurons left...oh well.) But this "wiring" doesn't happen overnight or even in a year or two. The brain naturally takes over 20 years to fully develop. Then it can begin to be "completely" useful.

So that means my kids are walking around with lots of potential, but only a portion of the rosy brain connections they'll hopefully end up with as adults. That explains any of their volatile, wild, obnoxious, and immature behavior...they've progressed past the blank-slate-stare-at-the-ceiling-adorable newborn stage, but still have a loooonnnngg way to go...and that's okay. (This also explains some of my crazy imbalanced reactions to their immature behavior. I'm only kind of mature. Luckily 'complete' adult brains are still changeable as well...improvement just feels like a more painful process for older brains...but I'm working on it.)

As I've researched brain development and observed my own children, I believe there are definitive phases of development controlled largely by chemical reactions in the body that are set to take place at roughly the same physical time frame across human culture...the most obvious example is puberty. The brain/body acts very different before and after the chemical processes of puberty take place. (feeling anxious/excited about observing that process a bunch of times around here in the next few years) Different personalities (coupled with different genetic make-ups) respond in a variety of ways to these chemical changes, but all people seem to transcend from one phase to the next throughout life.

Therefore, certain educational and disciplinary goals are unrealistic (or emotionally damaging) before corresponding developmental milestones have been met. A baby can't learn to walk before leg muscles and brain balance are developed enough to accommodate such a task. And once a first step is taken, many more months and years of motor learning still wait patiently on the horizon. Expecting a 3-month to walk sounds pretty ridiculous. Expecting a walking toddler to jump rope or do cart wheels is also on the unruly side. Learning to read/write/multiply/etc requires certain neurological connections as well. Same with learning to independently manage conflicts or personal time and resources. Too early or too late feels unnatural. Teachers must be in tune.

Thus, Brent and I developed The Present Parenting Pyramid to use in our family as a guide on how to educate and discipline our children according to the natural stages their bodies take them through. If you are a fan of TJEd (see Phases of Leadership Education) or Erik Erikson (a diagram of his theory is here), The Pyramid will feel very familiar to you.

To accommodate a child's developing brain, educational techniques and disciplinary styles should technically change as well according to the child/adolescent's developmental phase. Each phase "looks different" from one another. For our family, the academic learning that is often associated with the word 'education' is secondary and centered around higher level goals that support the natural stages of our child's growth. When we prioritize our highest hopes and efforts on a traditional academic goal (like learning to read or memorizing math facts), we might accomplish that goal, but our children tend to slide backwards emotionally.

By focusing our teaching attention on the primary "lessons" listed below (I like to think of them more as 'celebrations'), learning in all other areas of life, including the academic learning that most people think of as education, comes very naturally.

Here is our list of primary lessons that set the stage for all other areas of learning throughout our child's life:

Attachment Stage (ages 0-3)
1. You have a body.
2. You belong to a family.
3. When your body gets out of balance, you are not alone.

Following Stage (ages 1-8)
1. Your unique body naturally absorbs and processes energy, both physical and spiritual.
2. The world is full of inspiring people and things to explore.
3. To find peace and happiness, follow positive leaders.

Accountability Stage (ages 7-12)
1. You are responsible for how your body acts. You can control your body.
2. Natural consequences accompany your choices.
3. You can recognize and accept your strengths and weaknesses.
4. Repairing wrongs promotes progress.
5. Choosing to set and accomplish goals brings joy (and because kids are pretty logical at this age, they notice, of course, that the opposite is also true).

Self-Discipline Stage (ages 11-18)
1. You can plan for the future and choose your destiny.
2. Focused attention improves talents and skills.
3. Self-reliance, coupled with humility and grace, feels fulfilling.
4. Living personal values increases integrity and self-worth.
5. Seeking for and following Eternal Truth provides a life-long compass.

Independence Stage (ages 16-20+)
1. You are capable of obtaining new skills and providing for yourself.
2. You can find emotional, physical, and spiritual balance.
3. Being true to yourself and your God gives you strength and Light.

Leading Stage (20+)
1. You can see the people around you as they truly are and as they can become.
2. You have Light that can benefit others.
3. True charity adds to world peace.

In general, if stages are taught out of order (like if we focus primarily on accountability with our 4-year-old or independence with our 2-year-old or 9-year-old), when chaos comes along, it doesn't get resolved and coping patterns increase (see Natural Defense Immaturity). Therefore, we don't move on to another stage until we feel a strong sense that our child has naturally internalized all the lessons in a particular stage, which doesn't typically happen until he/she chemically and neurologically transitions to a new stage (like in puberty).  As they get older, we talk openly about this progression with them (see the Green Side of the Pyramid). They like it.

And of course we have a host of 'secondary lessons' as well (I've pasted a handy starter list below). BUT (and that's a really big but)...All secondary lessons must assist us in teaching the primary lessons. If not, these secondary lessons will be postponed until a later stage because a particular child needs more brain balance and development (like motor skills, analytical skills, or prefrontal cortex growth) before learning in a certain area truly progresses. And some secondary lessons can get tossed aside completely depending on the child. Each child is different.

We used to stubbornly prioritize other such secondary lessons in a way that actually jeopardized our relationships with our children (like when we "trained" our highly sensitive 9-month-old to sleep independently or when we isolated our 18-month-old in time-out until she stopped fussing or when we required x-number of completed workbook pages from our 8-year-old before playing outside). Back then my happiness as a parent depended on how well my "teaching" was received. We were a relatively pleasant young family, but misery built up over time until dramatic changes became necessary.

When we discovered the beauty of putting a secure attachment at the top of the list of lessons to teach, happiness returned. We had some "undoing" to accomplish with the older ones (their bodies had grown, but their emotional state was stuck, confused, and in disarray...at no fault of their own...they had just been defending themselves). When we started our older children on this new system a few years ago, we started at the bottom of the pyramid with them as well. It was challenging for me to learn new attachment patterns with them and challenging for them to truly trust that I was willing to form a stronger, more secure attachment. But we persevered at the bottom of the pyramid for a few months and then started to ascend upward. After several years, the undoing is mostly complete.

With the youngest few, we've started working on secure attachment education from the very beginning. After attachment lessons are well-learned, moving upward on The Pyramid (and adding in various "real" academic lessons) is a much smoother process...and very fulfilling.

I'm feeling the itch to write a separate essay about every single one of those primary lessons listed above because my bosom burns just thinking about how much joy my children and I have experienced as Brent and I have prioritized our "teaching" around these main ideas. But for now, my computer time is through. (I have an amazing, supportive, capable husband who makes an awesome 'mother' as he generously takes over feeding, bathing, diapering, taxiing, and piggy-back riding our brood for a few hours here and there. He's very conscientious and nurturing...but I must be careful not to let my passion for brains, research, and writing bury me...I don't want to miss out on all the life-moments that are pitter-pattering around me. That would be sad.)

Sample List of Secondary Lessons 
(bits and pieces of how we teach these lessons will emerge as I continue to post about the more important primary lessons. For more ideas on specific secondary lessons, check your local library...it has shelves full of a million parenting/education books that give loads of different opinions on how to teach these various classes) 

How to sleep
How to eat
How to walk
How to say 'please'
How to clean up
How to share
How to take turns
How to count
How to read
How to write
How to add, subtract, multiply, and divide
How to sing
How to dance
How to dribble
How to play the piano
How to use the toilet
How to clean the toilet
How to get dressed
How to say sorry
How to budget
How to organize a closet
How to manage time
How to study
How to cook
How to pass chemistry
How to take the ACT
How to fill out college applications

How to whatever...

2 Cents and a Million $$ Smile

A box of 100 generic band-aids costs about $2 at Wal-mart. That's...2 whole pennies each.

When I was little and my parents kindly reminded me that I was wasting my dad's money whenever I didn't finish my food, I used to envision dollar bills swooshing right out of his wallet that sat on top of his tall dresser at the very moment I cowered at the kitchen sink and secretly dumped my soggy cereal down the drain...I was terrified.

Since those days (even though my imagination is much more tame now), I still tend to notice when pennies disappear...and try to avoid that experience. It keeps me in my comfort zone.

So, naturally when my older children were younger, there had to be blood gushing out of them somewhere in order for me to cough up a 2-cent band-aid from the first aid stash. Band-aids don't grow on trees, ya know. 

But then I started to study brains and such. As I gained a clearer picture of emotional health, I started paying closer attention to my simple interactions with my children. And I recognized a need to identify a few of my personal "issues" (like severe penny-pinching, eh-em)...and work through them so I could have a more balanced mind for my children's sake.

I think I'm making at least some progress because...I was bustling around the kitchen one recent evening when Cienna (child #5) entered and asked for a band-aid...a small circular one to be exact. I saw no signs whatsoever of even a pretend injury and quickly and quite naturally dismissed her pleas. But when she politely asked a second time, I paused and sensed a spirit of adventure about her. I decided that $ 0.02 was worth investing in her growing mind, and I became quite curious to discover what her imagination would choose to do with that band-aid.

A few minutes later, I heard Cienna happily carrying on a complete conversation between her and an imaginary friend. Then a camera flash caught my attention as she posed for a few self-portraits:  

I don't think I could put a price tag on that.

Our Educational Journey

I've been meaning to jot down a basic history of our unique educational path thus far...

So, I've filled my last few writing time slots with this task and have tried to be brief (I even cut out a bunch of commentary/explanational blah-blah that I'll save for another time). However, I do have an almost 12-year-old *can'tbelieveit* and that's a lot of years to cover. If you only have 30 seconds, skip down to the summary at the bottom (and add 6 seconds for the time it takes you to scroll down there). Otherwise, here goes:

In the 1900s: Brent and I both attended public school during our entire growing up years. We both had great success and loved being there academically and socially. We both graduated with bachelors degrees  from Brigham Young University (me: Communications, Dec. 2000 and Brent: Business Management, International Finance, April 2001).

March 2001: Our first child was born, thus propelling us down the path of nurturing and teaching another human being. Or in other words, it marked the beginning of our Higher Education.

2004-2005: While living in Minnesota, as a mother of three young children who were way more needy than I was prepared for, I started counting down the days to when my children would attend pre-school...then kindergarten...then first grade...ahh the freedom that would give me seemed so necessary and so close...and yet so far away.

2005-2006: We moved to Arizona and enrolled Kenny first (and later Diggy, too) in a preschool that met in someone's home. The mother was very nice and very organized. We really liked her. We were anxious for our little reserved Kenny to be out among peers...and hoped he'd have a good experience (obviously). He didn't. He was afraid of the dog at her house. He witnessed other children acting "wild" (ie normal). He heard "bathroom talk"...in the living room. Having Diggy join him helped a little. But we were told Kenny didn't participate much even when Diggy did.

*Although Kenny was very bright academically, his behavior at home declined during his preschool experience...he became more aggressive with siblings, had more tantrum-type outbursts even though he was getting older, and even seemed a bit on the depressed side.  Diggy seemed indifferent about preschool. Happy to go, happy to not go.

2006-2007: Kenny turned 5 and we needed to begin planning for his kindergarten year. The local public school had an all-day kindergarten with extra long hours (8-4) to assist families who needed child-care. I couldn't picture Kenny there at all.

*We had noticed while living in Minnesota and then in Arizona that some of the coolest, smartest families we'd met were home-school families. So, we started researching...and the more we found out, the more we fell in love with the idea of managing our children's education ourselves. We felt very inspired to give it a try. This was a big turn around from a few years ago when I looked so forward to shipping my children off every day. But I found that when I put my heart and soul into educating my children, I stopped waiting for them to swoosh out from under my wings and I started basking in every moment I had with them every day. As a result, I felt a boost of energy that radiated through my whole being. I became a new, happier mother (thank goodness!).

*Many people expressed concern that if Kenny struggled to feel comfortable in social situations, bringing him home for school would make him worse. And thus my passion for brain development became ignited like never before. My instincts were telling me that spending more time getting filled up with love at home (including the freedom to explore and choose a personal educational path) would actually increase his brain development and improve his chances for long-term emotional health, but I wanted to undercover scientific evidence as well. I've had a blast researching...I feel satisfied.

*During Kenny's kindergarten year, not only was Kenny thrilled and relieved about being home-schooled, but I felt a huge burden lift from my shoulders...the burden of wishing for lots of time to myself--away from my children--disappeared. Instead, I began my journey of learning what to do with my children around me all the time without any expectation of them going anywhere any time soon. I loved it more than I had ever dreamed I would. All the home-school resources out there give so many great ideas. We soaked it in...and cherished our minutes and hours and weeks together.

2007-2008: We moved to Illinois and settled into a neighborhood with an excellent (not an understatement) elementary school. After a year of loving being at home, Kenny asked to go to first grade. I saw this as a sign of emotional growth (because he never had asked to go to preschool). He wanted to see what other kids his age do all day. I still remember how excited he was to pack up his backpack full of supplies and "be gone all day like Dad." Diggy was in kindergarten, which met half-day. We enrolled them both. I still had two little ones at home...and got pregnant with #5 in the middle of that school year.

*The boys had wonderful teachers. They especially loved the music and PE teachers. They got a good taste of what school is like for most kids. However...I had expected and hoped that we would go back to home-schooling before Kenny and Diggy even started their public school experience, because we had just loved it so much back in AZ (the extra family time, the one-on-one academic focus, the freedom to explore). So even though we felt comfortable sending them to public school full-time for a year, we knew pretty quickly that we'd return to home-schooling the following year (though we didn't mention this to the kids).

*As the year progressed, we could see that home-school was indeed the better option for our boys, but for different reasons:
           Diggy was happy to go to kindergarten every day. And very happy to come home and play a lot as well. Because he was gone only half day, he still had lots of time to play...which I now value soooo much because playing builds tons of brain power during the elementary years, especially for a learner like Diggy. Diggy was willing to work on reading and math "assignments" that were sent home because he's a very obedient child, but he didn't naturally enjoy school-type work and wasn't naturally successful with it. He's had to truly work at it. He's right-brained and he struggled to focus on and remember orderly/linear ideas (like sounding out words). When listening to a teacher lecture to a group, Diggy's mind wonders 'out of the box' and often misses important details. After learning something, Diggy's natural way of processing it is to get up out of his seat right away and recreate it...by moving and acting it out. That's usually not possible in the school setting. Reading and writing, on the other hand, were chores at that young age and often very frustrating for him. Diggy is one of the most creative thinkers I know. He has a different kind of giftedness that's not easily detected in the school setting, and in fact, is often detected as "slower" or "dyslexic" in the school setting. We felt anxious to bring him back to home-schooling so we could give him one-on-one academic attention, cater to his kinesthetic learning style, and still give him plenty of time to be as creative as he wants to be.
           For Kenny, an incredibly naturally intelligent child (and very left-brained), the school work was easy and slightly on the boring side. But the biggest challenge for him was being gone all day in a place where he naturally soaked in all sorts of confusing emotional cues from peers and then struggled to process them (when a lot comes into the brain very quickly, it's not easy to figure out what to do with it). He also didn't have much time to freely play at home at the end of the day. It was a rough year. He hated recess the most. He internalized too much chaos and didn't know what to do with it next. There was no one whispering in his ear to explain that when a child obnoxiously sticks his tongue out at you, he's not a life-long enemy...he's just being a kid who doesn't have a mature brain yet. Though immature, it's normal behavior for a kid. A lot of kids process this easily and move on; some don't. For Kenny, his natural social sensitivity weighed him down again that year. He lost interest in many of his hobbies (drawing, music, reading, playing) because his mind was busy stewing over a social conflict he'd seen or heard at school on a particular day. Similar to his preschool experience, Kenny's behavior (while very good/reserved at school) declined dramatically at home. He again became more aggressive with his siblings (usually right after school as he was unwinding) and he often threw big tantrums that included throwing things around his room. Essentially, he was trying to cope with a lot of emotional baggage and didn't know how to. I don't blame him, he didn't have the brain/prefrontal cortex to maturely process "issues" yet. And we didn't have The Pyramid back then, so we didn't handle his rough behavior very well...which made things worse. We made it through the year...barely. We felt excited to regain his emotional security at home the following year and allow him to use his intense personality to dive deeper into subjects that fascinate him. (He now knows waaayyy more about outer space than I do.)

*But because we live in such a great educational community, we wanted to take advantage of both worlds. This is largely unheard of in both the public school and home-schooling arenas. Mixing educational styles usually doesn't go well (we've heard). But when we could see such advantages in both places, it seemed worth a try. We feel incredibly lucky to have had an outstanding principal who understood and caught the vision of our diverse thinking. She helped us devise a plan that would help our children "belong" to the school community even though they only spent a couple of hours a week there.

2008-Present: When Kenny was in 2nd grade and Diggy in 1st, we started our mix of home-school/public school. Each year the kids get assigned to a class. Whenever that class has music/PE/Chinese (or art in some cases) or a field trip or an assembly or a party, my kids journey on over to join them. The front office assistants greet them warmly and so do their teachers. So, of course, the children in their classes do the same. We attend PTA events and support the school as best we can. Our kids receive a yearbook at the end of year and have all their friends sign it. They feel very included and have very fond elementary school memories...even though they spend 90% of their time learning at home in a one-on-one situation that's catered to each of their specific learning styles, interests, and needs. It's heavenly.

*At home, we follow many ideas from The Well-Trained Mind, and we LOVE the overall Thomas Jefferson Education philosophy (it fits quite well with our pyramid). I'll elaborate on what each child's home routine is like and how we structure things based on Pyramid Stages in a few upcoming posts. 

*Our children's education is also supported by many extra activities (string lessons, orchestra, choir, dance, soccer, gymnastics, scouts, etc.) via the park district, church, etc. 

*Again, the biggest concern I heard about choosing to home-school was that my children wouldn't learn how to interact with their peers. Spending so much time at home would keep them from getting used to the real world. I could go on and on about this...but basically the opposite has been true. Spending extra years immersed in the educational/social/emotional/spiritual oasis that we try to provide in our home (though it is far from perfect) has been awesome for our children's self-worth and brain development, which naturally has had only positive impact on them as they go out and explore all aspects of the outside world...chaos and all.

2009-2010: When it was time for Kirsten to start school, we opted to have her attend the regular half-day kindergarten routine at the public school (mostly to meet peers who would be in future music/PE classes) before bringing her back home for 1st grade. She seemed pretty excited about it and she's naturally social, so we expected a great year. But her enthusiasm wore off after a few months. She began to strongly and consistently resist getting ready to go each day. Or in other words, she started putting up protective "walls" to defend herself from whatever it was that she didn't feel naturally able to handle as a young child (see Natural Defense Immaturity and scroll down a little). We made her stick out the whole school year as planned...but if I could go back in time, I think I would pull her out half-way through the year based on the cues she was sending us. Since kindergarten, home-school has been the perfect option for her personality as well. Kirsten is another incredible kid with very distinct talents and needs. We've had fun exploring her world together. I promise I'll share more of her story some day.

2012-2013: This last Fall, it was Allison's turn to join the ranks of her older siblings and start her journey down a "formal" educational path. I felt apprehensive about enlisting her in the regular kindergarten program (because we'd been down that uncertain path a few times), but because of her relentless enthusiasm, we decided to enroll her for the entire half-day (as opposed to just PE/music) and then simply watch for any signs that change might be necessary. And...she's pretty much loved every minute of it...the kids, the teachers, the projects, recess, the whole nine yards. Oh, and she seems energized when it's time to complete school assignments. While reading directions and spitting out information drives some of my kids bonkers, it makes Allison giddy. She says she can't wait for 1st grade because it's like two kindergartens every day...yet another unique personality for us to educate. We're strongly considering sending her to full-day First Grade next year because that kind of routine may be the best fit for her (so far it boosts her self-worth and we see no signs of unhealthy emotional walls going up)...we'll see how she evolves.

*Also important to note: This year, Kenny is in 6th grade and wanted to take Chinese, PE, creative arts, math, science, and band at the local middle school (where there's another awesome principal who let us pick which classes to take). Classes meet every day, so Kenny is gone from 7 am - 1 pm, M-F. He eats lunch at school as well. He's having a fantastic year...academically and socially. I'll elaborate later because this mundane historical record is never-ending...

Summary (and welcome if you're joining us from the top of the post)

When it comes to education: Options Exist.

There are as many educational options out there as there are children to educate.

A few years ago, Brent and I had planned to start sending our children off to school at age 3 because, well, that's what everyone does, right? Private school is not for penny pinchers like us. And, home school? Not an option. With three young children fighting for my constant attention and lap space, I could never imagine wanting them home all day with me for even more years. I would go crazy. We could never do that. (Plus home-schooling is kind of...strange.)

Now...I wouldn't change all these years of learning and growing and laughing together with my children for anything else in this world. I have discovered such joy in observing the growth of young minds from day to day and from year to year. I feel empowered...like an educational entrepreneur. I'm a better person now. Being truly in tune to children (as their mother and teacher all wrapped up into one big job) stretches me and makes me glow.

And if you ask my kids...they'll say in their own unique way that we have the perfect mix (even though it's a bit different for each of them).

We are forever glad that we had the guts to explore and experiment a bunch to discover an ideal path for each of our unique kids. And we love that we live in a world, a country, and a community where options are celebrated. Educational options are truly in the best interest of children...and, therefore, the future.

Filling up with Love

Last weekend...the Night of all Nights arrived again for our Princesses. The annual Daddy Daughter Princess Ball (in honor of Valentine’s Day) is a smashing success around here. It gets talked about all year long. And I think the self-esteem boosting memories will stick around even longer (and hopefully out-weigh a few of the amateur dating experiences that inevitably wait on the horizon...)

The day-of is full of bubbling anticipation and preparation.

                    

Oh how the girls grin from ear to ear when the doorbell rings and their date, with fake flowers in hand (that are recycled every year), politely whisks them away for a night of adventure, romance, cookies, princess crowns, balloon dogs, and dancing.

                                    

 Such great training these girls are getting on how to be treated by a perfect gentleman.

(I also love that the boys, though pretending not to show too much interest of course, pay close enough attention to gain valuable future dating skills as well. And I love that they brag about hangin’ out with mom to bake brownies and watch an adventure movie...I’m sure that won’t last too many years longer. *sniffle*)

I’m continually amazed and in awe of how magical a night out dancing with Daddy can be...but then again, maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised...my heart leaps when I get to spend an evening with this handsome guy, too.   

(I'm going to dig out all these pictures when one of our angels flings herself onto her bed and buries her head in her pillow some day after some boy breaks her heart..."Don't worry, Honey. Daddy loves you!" #feelingnaivelyreadyforthedatingyearsnow#)

Fast forward a few days: On a holiday intended to celebrate the expression of love for one another, I felt determined to set aside at least a few minutes for gathering together and doing just that. We’ve noticed that when Brent and I openly and comfortably share our thoughts and feelings, our young children so freely and naturally reciprocate. The older ones, though slightly more inhibited in the self-expression process (a sign of brain growth ;), still glow on the inside just as much as the little ones bounce around the room and burst into spontaneous hugs...so it’s a worthwhile few minutes.

For ten minutes, we scribbled on and stuffed little strips of paper into 10-for-a-dollar plastic hearts that said, 4ever, UR GR8, and luv U, etc. Then for interested parties, hearts were hidden and rounds of ‘Hot ‘n Cold’ commenced.

There are so many connections to make in this big world. Before long, each of our children will be someone else’s Valentine...pretty much for the rest of eternity. So, for now, Brent and I will soak in as many hugs and giggles and kisses and notes and texts with these cute kids as we can.

When I read Cienna’s to her, she snuggled up on my lap and we shared squeezes and giggles in between each one. I sensed this as a chance to fill her (and all the others) up with pure love and fun because let’s be honest...regular every day sibling bonding time (not to mention peer interaction) is a like a fast-paced emotional love-hate roller coaster. That's a lot for little minds to process. 

Valentine's Day is a chance to add some prefrontal cortex love in the mix. ;)

Home School Field Trip

Just after lunch on a beautiful, sunny Wednesday, the only few inches of snow we've received all year long sat on the ground beckoning, "Smith Family...We won't be here forever...Come! Enjoy us while you can!"

We checked the forecast: rain on Thursday.

So we tucked our math and grammar books away and answered the call:

 When we returned home, the adventures continued:

 

And I am once again so grateful for the treasured moments home-schooling gives us.
Spring can come now.

Bubbles and Brains

These bubbles represent brain growth. 

A few years back when my sweet and extremely highly-sensitive Cienna was between 6 months and about 3 years old, her newly activated alert system worked over time (compared to most children her age) to warn her against potential threats. This phenomenon, coupled with her amazing memory of past events and her incredibly responsive amygdala (the brain’s center for fear), caused anything remotely close to invading her comfort zone to receive major rejection and often a full blown panic attack that included vomit.


So when I noticed Cienna’s eyes grow big with fear the first time she examined bubble bath foaming in her familiar bath water, I knew those innocent air-filled balls didn’t stand a chance on her acceptance list. Even with her siblings splashing happily away near her, as the bubbles began to stick uncontrollably to her tummy...and arms...and face, she screamed and I quickly plucked her out of the water before she could add her lunch to it.


Without a bit of brain development knowledge, I’m certain I would have routinely freaked out myself and projected all sorts of misery for Cienna’s future because obviously (based on this experience) fear would rule it...forever.


My worry about her future, my frustration for not finishing her bath, my annoyance that my child is now screaming like a wet noodle in my arms all would certainly have thrown more “conflict” out into the bathroom for her little mind to process in that awful moment a few years ago. Without a deep understanding and concern for Cienna’s brain development, after drying her off, I probably would have been tempted to devise a plan to “strongly encourage” her to get used to bubbles sooner than she was ready just to settle my own anxiety that she may never fully experience joy in life without bubbles in it.  


(I’m certain about this potential “reaction” because I used to make such judgments and self-centered disciplinary plans when my older children were younger...and the temptation still crops up when conflict arises in our home today...but now I’m a little more prepared for it...and I have The Pyramid...dun, dun, dun.)


Back to what really happened with the bubbles...I simply noticed Cienna’s wild reaction to the bubbles and accepted it as part of who she was at that moment. While I calmly scooped her into my arms to dry her off and reassure her that all would be well, I settled my nerves by sorting through and feeling grateful for a few neurological explanations...(If you're interested in amygdalas, memory neurons, and of course, the prefrontal cortex, use this link to view the longer version of this post over at Present Parenting.)

In short, I recognized back then that Cienna’s crazy reaction to bubbles was a combination of new brain development in some areas and lack of brain development in others, especially in the prefrontal cortex region. I knew this future brain development was still set to expand in future months and years, so we erased “I hope my daughter can enjoy bubble baths” from our list of expectations and waited patiently for more neurons to make connections before re-introducing pink liquid into her bath water again.

Cienna’s is almost 4 ½ now. 

I don’t quite remember when she decided that bubbles were okay. But when she giggled with delight as I poured bubble bath into the tub a few days ago and it started foaming all around her while she quickly dabbed some all over her face and grabbed the fake razor, I had a flashback and then felt a warm tingle as I marveled at the magic of brain growth.